Johnny Irish

Trojan Hoarse

Sun, 10/21/07

Woe, Irish.

Woe, indeed.

OK, so the switch to Evan Sharpley didn’t exactly work out too well Saturday. At all.

So … now what?

Coach Weis finally heeded the call of Johnny Irish (and a good chunk of Notre Dame Nation) and gave the strong-armed junior his first career start against the hated Trojans of USC.

But that move was as ill-fated as my “debut” in the Bengal Bouts tournament many moons ago, as the Irish got smacked, punched, dragged, kneed and pimp up and down the field in what may be the most depressing loss in a season chock full of them.

OK, so maybe this banged-up yet still talent-drenched No. 13 USC team wasn’t nearly as beatable as we thought they were. And maybe Trojan quarterback Mark Sanchez’s listless debut against Arizona last weekend was less than representative of the redshirt sophomore’s talent (and his 235 yards and 4 TDs Saturday tells me that was the case).

But still, come on. 38-0?! The most lopsided loss to USC in 79 all-time meetings?! The first shutout at the hands of the Trojans in The House That Rockne Built since 1933?! The SIXTH straight loss to the University of Spoiled Children?

Ten first downs? Three rushing first downs? Against your most hated rival? (Unless you consider Michigan our most hated rival. And wasn’t that one also a 38-0 loss?)

Uh … Wow?

Or, as current ND students would likely put it … WTF?

Yes, I know USC is ranked fifth in the nation in rushing defense. And I know that the Irish are ranked dead last in the country in rushing offense (though I still don’t know WHY or HOW). And playing without their starting tailback. But I also know this (thanks to the help of NBC Sports):

In the 119-year history of Notre Dame football, no Irish team had ever gone an entire game without a rushing first down.

Yes, the Irish managed to avoid that dubious, disgusting distinction Saturday … but not until just over nine minutes remained in the game.

When that happened, on a nifty short-yardage (of course) run by freshman Armando Allen, the Notre Dame Stadium crowd cheered and clapped its approval.

So that is what it’s come to for these 1-7 Irish?

Sadly, the answer is “yes.”

FUZZY MATH:

This, Irish fans, just doesn’t add up. How can this team, as young and unsure and lacking in depth as it is, continue to be THIS bad heading into the final third of its season? How can mammoth offensive linemen get pushed around like band geeks eight games into the season? How can Irish quarterbacks get dropped more often than celebrity names at a USC frat party? How can fifth-year senior defensive backs get used like USC coeds with possible NFL futures (don’t laugh) just months away? How can Coach Weis continue to call dink pass after dink pass, regardless of the quarterback, score or situation?

How can this be happening? At NOTRE DAME?

It defies logic. It demands a saint’s patience. It drives men and women and family pets to drink. And it leaves me feeling not only heartbroken, bewildered and bedeviled … but speechless as well.

OK, not speechless. After all, I have been blessed with the Gift of Gab, as the previous 506 words will attest. But pretty damn close.

THERE ARE NO WORDS:

Just what the heck is going on here, anyway? Maybe some of you can help explain this to me. Surely, there are finer football minds on this planet than me. Maybe even finer ones in this room (does a Bud Light cardboard cutout of Kathy Ireland count? Didn’t she kick for somebody in college?). But I, for one, am at a (relative) loss for words.

I don’t like it. I don’t approve of it. I don’t ever remember anything like it (probably because I wasn’t even a gleam in my mother’s loving eye back in 1960, the last time Notre Dame started a season 1-7). And I sure as heck don’t get it.

Of course, I’ve seen a losing Notre Dame season before. All too many, in fact, since the Legendary Lou Holtz stepped away from under the shadow of the Golden Dome in 1996 (four, for those of you scoring at home). But I’ve never seen anything quite like this. And I hope I never will see anything like it again. Ever. Or, in the immortal words of OutKast, Forever Ever.

This isn’t just losing. This is not-scoring-a-single-point-in-five-first-halves losing. This is seven-offensive-touchdowns-in-eight-games losing. This is twice-allowing-newly-minted-starting-quarterbacks-to-throw-for-three-or-more-touchdowns losing.

MUSICAL CHAIRS:

I’m not quite sure what to think about Coach Weis these days (and judging from last week’s comments on this site, I know I’m not alone there). But I will give him credit for two things:

1. The man can recruit (more on that later).
2. The man is not afraid to shake things up.

But no matter what Coach Weis has tried this season, nothing has worked. He’s tried three different starting quarterbacks. He’s tried a smash-mouth running game (for one week). He’s tried two different field goal kickers. He’s tried a bunch of different combinations along the offensive line. He’s tried screaming and yelling at halftime. He’s tried freshmen and sophomores at every key position you can name.

But maybe that’s just it. Maybe he’s tried TOO much this season. And maybe all that tinkering, while necessary in certain instances, has been excessive. And maybe it’s prevented this team from developing any kind of cohesion or confidence or, most importantly, any kind of identity.

Just how would you describe this Irish team, if someone asked you to? And especially if they told you you’re not allowed to use profanities or the word “bad”? Would you call them a passing team? Would you call them a running team? Would you call them a defensive team? Would you call them a first-half team? Would you call them a second-half team?

Would you call them an emotional team? An inspired team? A tough team?

It’s those last qualities that, I fear, seem to be lacking most in this team. I get that they’re young. I get that they’re green (REALLY green on Saturday … and don’t forget to get your Autographed Green Jerseys here!). I get that they are lacking in depth, especially at key positions like offensive and defensive line.

But I don’t get how they can’t seem to put forth an inspired, all-out effort for more than a drive here, a quarter there. Regardless of who the quarterback is. Regardless of who the opponent is. Regardless if they are running onto enemy turf to a chorus of boos or onto the Hallowed Ground of Notre Dame Stadium through a human tunnel of National Championship winners.

The only thing that has worked, really, was when the Irish knocked UCLA quarterback Ben Olsen out of the game in the first quarter, forcing a brutal third-string walk-on to “manage” the Bruins’ offense. Alas, the Notre Dame defense couldn’t do the same thing to Sanchez Saturday, though not for lack of effort (can Trevor Laws somehow get a sixth year of eligibility?!).

No, there has been no answer to what ails the Irish this season. And no telling if or when or how they will turn the corner. Or gain the corner, for that matter.

BRIGHT FUTURE:

There is one silver lining in this dark, dark cloud, however. The worst part of the schedule is over. After a grueling, brutal eight games against solid-to-spectacular teams, the Irish now get a week to lick their gaping wounds before finishing up against Navy, Air Force, Duke and Stanford. All of those teams are imminently beatable, and the upcoming bye week will provide coaches, players and fans alike some time to cool off, enjoy a pleasant Saturday afternoon, say 750 Hail Marys and light 426 candles at the Grotto (hey, it still works … sometimes).

But the clear skies extend well beyond this season. Sure, us fans can’t wait to spit the awful taste of this season out of mouths. But for the majority of this still-searching team, the remaining four games must be savored and devoured right down to the marrow.

When it’s all said and done, regardless of the final record, a boatload of previously untested players will have accumulated endless amounts of experience, effort and insight on the football field. Guys like Allen, Robby Parris, Duval Kamara, Kerry Neal, Brian Smith, Darrin Walls, James Aldridge, Robert Hughes and, first and foremost, Jimmy Clausen, will come into their junior and senior seasons infinitely more prepared to face the rigors and challenges of the increasingly competitive and crowded college football landscape. And instead of opening against a blitzing, veteran Georgia Tech team, they’ll face a blundering, clueless San Diego State squad.

And that doesn’t even take into account the incoming freshman class. If Coach Weis and his staff can secure the many verbal commitments and close on a few more top-tier prep players, then the ceiling for the next few seasons is as high as the one inside the Dome (I tried repelling from it one hazy Saturday night my freshman year, and let me tell you, it’s HIGH!). Most recruiting experts agree that the incoming Irish class is either the best or second-best in the country, and it’s hard to imagine those kids watching this team and not thinking, “Man, I can DEFINITELY get on the field next season!”

So, Irish Fans, let’s not lose sight of the forest for the trees. Regardless of how thick and poisonous and thorny the foliage looks right now.

If all this misery and heartache and embarrassment leads to a tough, battle-tested, smart and savvy team (and coaching staff) in the 2008 and 2009 seasons, then it will have been worth it. A Notre Dame professor once told me, “Johnny, before you get to the top of the mountain, you’ve got to start at the absolute bottom.” Of course, he told me that after I failed out of his class. But those words remain with me today.

Better days await us all. And, in the more immediate future, rest assured in this irrefutable fact:

There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY the Irish can lose next Saturday!

Go Irish. Never give up.

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